drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We just shotgunned beers for America
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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