DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need a burrito and a hug.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How naked do you want me to be?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
