Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
