Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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