This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
