super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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