Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
