Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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