I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
