You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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