So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo