Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
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I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"