At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.