In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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