So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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