I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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