i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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