Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you never un-have a 4some
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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