saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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