I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
