thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
