She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
