This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
