there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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