You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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