I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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