By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
