If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.