I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
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do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
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He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online