Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.