I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
