Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
