What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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