i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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