I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There are leaves in my underwear?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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