I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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