i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
