fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cockslap morals
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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