I wish I could teleport
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
