We won't sleep together?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
