She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.