I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
