if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?