I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
