Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
