does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
