Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i out mim tonsoeep
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