So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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