Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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