here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
