Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
