I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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