I could make wine with my vomit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
