Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
