If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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