I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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