I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
