I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
