This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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