I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
