I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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