Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
