Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
