We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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