I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
