I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
